Corn Cult

EDITOR'S NOTE: THESE TAPES WERE FOUND IN A FIELD. NO OTHER EVIDENCE HAS BEEN LEFT BEHIND. REPORTER JACK SMITH IS STILL MISSING.

ENTRY 1: "Hey Diane, this is Jack. Sorry I had to rush out on dinner, I got a lead. I am investigating some 'rowdy parties' that the old fogies are complaining about. Now don't worry. I'm not busting a college party. There aren't any teenagers for miles   This land is owned by a holding firm for some church called 'The Light of Dawn' whatever that means.  I thought it was some new-age thing but there's security guards everywhere! I........may have snuck  past them. Please don't get angry. I have a feeling there's a scoop tonight.  And man, I almost wish you came with me. The stars are really bright tonight."

ENTRY 2: "Okay, so this seems to be a large gathering of Corn. I can't find any other Squishables around, just Corn. From my estimation.......there's easily a 100 here.

ENTRY 3: "I've snuck a little bit closer. Thank god it's pretty dark out here. How is anyone able to see anything with just star light? Oh, they're lighting torches........and chanting something.

ENTRY 4: "Listen Diane, remember how I wasted my time in college studying Anthropology? Yeah, classic. 50k in the hole and i'm covering squishable interests pieces at Sacred Bee Hospital. But........i've never heard something like this chanting.  I'm picking up random words from indigenous languages all over the regions almost like.....whatever they're speaking is older than anything we have record of.

ENTRY 5: "Hey, so this is getting kind of odd. There was a minor disturbance.  One of the churchgoers broke from the rest of the group.  I took that opportunity to intercept her. Well, not really intercept. I'm not in the military. She more like ran into my direct path and fell over me. Thank God nobody saw us. Anyway, she couldn't stop crying, also she ralphed her dinner all over the ground, which was great to watch.  I tried to calm her down, but you know how I am with stress.  All she could manage to say was "IT SAW ME." and how she didn't want to do this anymore.  I let her run away in a panic. Who am I to stop anyone.  But really, Diane, I don't like this at all.  This is pretty weird to say the least. But i'm a reporter. I'll have to cut you off though because it's getting brighter around here and I gotta retreat a bit before they see me."

ENTRY 6: "Okay, so I may sound like i'm panicking because I really am. It's only 11PM and it's almost like the sun has come up but it's totally not. I'm not crazy, the sun doesn't come up at 11PM. I don't see any spotlights though. What could be making that light?

ENTRY 7: "I've had to retreat way back to my original spot, so this piece won't be getting any exciting pictures. There goes my promotion! Whatever, I got some audio of their chanting so it's not a total loss. And I can still see their fire, so I may be able to spin this.  I have noticed it's gotten a lot hotter, as evidenced by my shirt dripping wet. It's not JUST my nerves this time!

ENTRY 8: "Diane! I found out what was making the light! It's the stars! Do I have some eye damage? Am I ultra sensitive to starlight now? What is that? Astigmatism? No that's not right. I don't know though, what I do know is that it is getting super bright out and I am getting a nasty migraine and the chanting keeps getting louder but I keep moving away from them"

ENTRY 9: "DI-DI-DIANE I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU *running noises* I'M SORRY FOR THAT ONE TIME WHEN I SAID I WAS GONNA GO TO YOUR SYMPOSIUM AND ENDED UP SLEEPING THROUGH IT *panting* I'VE ALWAYS FELT BAD ABOUT IT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT BUT I LOVE YOU A LOT. THERE'S LIKE A BURNING ASTEROID OR SOMETHING. OR IS IT A METEOR?! I DON'T KNOW. I LOVE YOU DIANE AND I'M ALSO SORRY ABOUT BURNING OUR ANNIVERSARY DINNER 3 YEARS AGO. OH GEEZ IT'S GETTING CLOSER. IS.......IS THAT A SPACESHIP?

BEHOLD, the KOSMOCORG